A Stiff Apology Is A Second Insult
An apology can be a powerful tool: when it’s heartfelt and
genuine. It can be life-changing, can foster forgiveness and even repair a
relationship. Conversely, it can also be counter-productive, particularly when
the sentiment isn’t genuinely felt.
The word ‘sorry’ certainly has a tendency to be misused.
It’s bandied about willy-nilly, directed haphazardly at passers-by and used to
pepper phrases in much the same way as an insincere ‘how are you?’
Perhaps the word ‘sorry’ is at its least sincere when used
as a precursor to defending a statement of opinion. Saying sorry at the
beginning of a statement doesn’t make the sentiment any less insulting to the
recipient – or any more forgivable.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of such comments and
chances are we’ve been guilty on the odd occasion of employing this misuse too.
A banal bit of bantering between friends with an ‘I’m sorry but...’ thrown in
is something we have all probably encountered. Whether it’s passing a vicious
comment that evening
maxi dresses just don’t do your friend any favours or something even more
difficult to stomach, adding an insincere ‘I’m sorry’ will do nothing to excuse
your actions.
An equally inappropriate use of the apology is when it’s
employed to manipulate others. Offering an ‘I’m sorry’ can relinquish
responsibility and purge guilt. Problems will only arise when there’s a
necessity for an individual’s behaviour to change, but rather than make those
changes, an apology is offered instead. In cases like this, nothing is learned
and the perpetrator continues to offend people.
This kind of behaviour is often prevalent in romantic
relationships, as is the art of apologizing to foster guilt in a partner. An
apology for bad behaviour can be forthcoming but can sometimes be followed by a
self-deprecating statement that somehow manages to make the offended party
offer comfort to the individual who caused the initial offence.
Many people overuse the apology. This may be due to low
self-esteem or because of a need to please. An insecure individual may readily
offer an apology for their behavior or character as a way of seeking
reassurance from others. They want to have their perceived weaknesses bolstered
by another’s negating of them. Likewise an apology may simply be readily
offered as a way of gaining good grace or avoiding conflict.
Despite all of this, when an apology is heartfelt it can
help to build bridges. If an individual takes responsibility for any wrongdoing
or hurt they've caused without offering up excuses or explanations then the way
may be paved for making amends.
27 Comments
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i agree with you. sorry is just a word, the action toward it is more important.
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I love how you got everything on the point. I agree with everything you say. I myself found all this out and since than I try not to use the word 'sorry' anymore. Because, if I said something that might have hurt somebody I can't simple say sorry, because I meant what I said. I can of course talk things out with that person.. I prefer it instead of saying words I don't mean.
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Anthea
yes what you wrote there is super true! i tend to easily say sorry whenever i get into a fight with my boyfriend. whether i mean it or just so he would shut up lol. but everytime i do that, he even gets angrier than before because he knows i dont mean it and i dont feel like i'm the wrong party. i think i get your point of stiff apology :)
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ReplyDeletewe have to be sincere when we ask for an apology. because we did something bad and we don't want to see someone's getting hurt.
I think one of Elton John's lyrics of a song were, "sorry is such a sorry word"!
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